After talking to you last night I realized its the same feeling again, only that this time its with you.
You said that you felt relieved and calm after you told me you didn’t want to be with me. I can understand your state of mind. I felt that too once. This isn’t the first time we are not together. Once even I felt relieved. It was in college. When whatever we did we could never be successful to keep each other or rather me at peace with our surroundings.
There were many times that even I felt that we shouldn’t be together, thought that maybe its just not meant to be. We could be a recipe for a huge disaster, but somehow somewhere there was always a hope. Probably that is the reason why I never told you that I felt better when we were not together. Always a thought that no matter what something can be saved and we always did. No matter what be reason or the situation. Somehow thinking of it now I remember I was always the one who would initiate some conversation when we were not talking be it an e-mail, or hate message, an angry message, a sad message, a happy one or an apologetic one. Things always came together because you responded. You wanted things to be right again too. This time also it was me who initiated any conversation, but now it was different. You didn’t seem to be in any mood to reconcile.
Many times in the past I felt that I was the one who would be pulling you behind. I am the one who is going to ruin all your happiness and thought of calling it off with you. I remember after you got your ITC job, I felt it very strongly that I should not be with you anymore as I would be dead-weight on our relationship. Even when we left college for our homes after graduating I felt the same thing but after that day when you were lonely and crying as you had no one to talk to during your induction days I just couldn’t. I felt like it was me who supposed to be there for you no matter what. Not as a liability but as my responsibility and simply because I want to. I want to be there for you every moment. Solve any problem that you have. So you can just relax and be happy and make me happy. Selfish ulterior motives!!!
I know I am not the best person. I have my own shortcomings. I may be insecure, jealous, possessive, overbearing but all this is out of love for you. All that is out of experiences in the past. I can not trust anyone when it comes to you. I just can’t. I am paranoid and I know it. I can’t help it. I try to overcome all this but I am unable to do so. I once even asked for your help and you didn’t. I still didn’t let go of you. There was always this hope that somehow things will be fine. All is gonna get mended. Its just a matter of time.
Now as it turns out it is a matter of time itself. All I need is time, precious time from you so that I become a capable man to be able to take good care of you. To be able to support you. A man who has grown above those petty issues we fight over. So that I can take care of you better. Keep you happy and be able to add to your happiness. You know my situation but you still keep asking the same questions and I always answer them. Things are not great with me. Any plan I make I tell you first. You are always the first one to know. I don’t know what more I can do to comfort you.
Your family keeps poking you to know how are things between us. I give it to them for being concerned but then why do they keep asking if you are sure about me. Its like a game show with you. You lock an answer that you think is correct and the show host keeps pushing you to change your answer by asking “Are you sure, Are you sure.” Obviously you will flip out and re-think over something you thought to be sure of. Remember? Too much analysis leads to paralysis. I have done everything in my reach to assure you that I am worth it. Even I want to be with you as soon as possible, but have to be practical in thinking it out. If I had my way I would have married you right out of college and stayed with you from then on. However, I have my own boundations and you know about them.
You say you want to stay single. All I asked you was to wait for me. Its basically the same thing. You yourself don’t know what the problem is. You always run away from them. All I wish is that this time you figure out what is actually on your mind. What is the real question out here, is it – Am I happy with him? or Should I wait for him? or Is this relationship worth anymore tries?
I know things are very different now. Since you came back from home I could sense it. That’s why I asked what was wrong. I know you have lost hope on me, which is why you felt better. I had once too felt the same but still never let go. I never told you that I felt better when I wasn’t with you.I still want to make things better, still want to mend it, can’t promise that it will all go away but I promise I will try.
This time I will not initiate. Not because I don’t want to but because I do realize that once again I am the one killing your happiness. Mixed feeling once again maybe that’s why a part of me is relieve too. I don’t know what am I feeling right now, I wasn’t being diplomatic. Its a circus in my head. There is also some sort or ego or maybe its the self confidence that this time too things will mend once again just like every other time. It might take a little longer but it will all be good once again. The distance will create longing that we won’t be able to resist. I don’t know what will actually happen…