Not meant to be a Closie…

People come people, people go. But there are some people who you to retain in life. You make a special bond with them, be it of friendship or love. These people are those you really care about and really want to be there for them during the hell and high water. No matter what you try to do life does take its toll and many times some of those people are left behind or get lost along the way. 

Thinking over such things makes me realize I am just not meant to be around people I get really close to. Somehow life has always taken a toll on my close people and things have always gone down south. Right from school, issues between best of friends, in college issues between a friend I cared for like a little sister and then comes the love of my life. These are the people I really cared for but somehow circumstances turned things into a perspective where all of my actions were wrong to these people. Little was any realization that my actions were for them. It gets really painful to see such people in your life just leave you. Learning the hard way I have realized that I am not meant to be a closie and don’t know if from now on I will be able to trust people. People are crazy everyone looks for their interest. Once their selfish motives are complete they take a leave. So I guess in the end we are all alone but then we have some one who won’t leave us -Ourself.

Time will tell

With my struggle trying to get my life back together and get started off with a professional career I have realized one thing. All the people who we have around us be it friends, family or lovers – they are only there with along side as long as they have a hope on you. They leave you alone as soon as they lose out hope on you. They cannot be completely blamed for doing so. However the problem with this is if you still have any hope and are determined to carry on with your endeavors, well your spirit is crushed too by the simple fact of being alone. We all need that one person who we can rely on no matter how bad the situation is. No one else except that one specific person whose presence recharges all your batteries to win battles. When that source of positive energy loses out on you things can only get better from then on, because there is nothing else left to go wrong. It is the worst time, probably an extreme state of one’s life. All you think is if it will ever as good as it was before when that special one was there in your life. The answer I guess is Time will tell.

Not that much!

After endless attempts of trying to hold on to you and keep this relation alive. I am successful partially. Now its come to a point that you do talk to me. Maybe it was that night when I broke down crying on the phone, because next morning you did melt down. What you don’t know is I have been crying every night since past two weeks, not because I am weak but because of that helpless feeling when nothing worked to make you come back. All I hope is that its not due to sympathy that you continue your interaction with me. Girl you are crazy! God help us if he exists. Its clear that you don’t want to be close to me like the way you were before. I don’t know why. It is not acceptable to me. This is why I keep pushing you. I want to know why, I can’t be at rest without figuring out why are you doing this.

You say you are not enthusiastic about us anymore. What the hell do you mean by that. It drives me crazy to see you changing mind like that. It is extremely hurtful. Somewhere deep inside I do feel that you are doing it on purpose and are getting hurt yourself too. I don’t want you to do that. Why would you want to do that to yourself and me? Makes no sense at all. How can you be such a stone heart? The woman I knew had a heart of gold and I miss that.  That is what pulled me towards you. This is why I went down on my knees when I asked you for the relationship. You are such a sweetheart. The thought of losing that amazing is what broke me down that day. It wasn’t you leaving me but that beautiful person who I fell in love seemed to have been lost somewhere I am unable to find her. It was this inability of mine that made me cry.

There was a time when I was your man. I would solve all your issues. Even a tensed situation would with me. I did that for you. You did the same for me. A frustrating day at work was forgotten easily just by meeting you. Always great fun with food and spirits was how we enjoyed. Just as a couple living in the moment. We were still facing issues but it never meant that we thought of leaving each other.

I fail to understand what has happened suddenly. Why don’t you want to make things right again? Are you scared that we won’t last when I go away? What is it? I am going mad trying to fix things while you are acting rude and snobbish. What is stopping you from making the effort – is a million dollar question. I just want to work it out like always. Its not a game that today you hold on to me and tomorrow I will hold on to you. I don’t want it to be too late for us to realize rather you to realize that this was a terrible mistake and there is no point or return to set things right.

I don’t know what can fix your crazy mind. This is my vent for all things I feel and experience.  I hope you read this and realize what you are doing to me. You are driving me away against my will. I don’t want to hate you but I am scared I will end up doing so. In the end you will know what you did to me was like a revenge on the guy who left you without saying anything. You are doing the same thing you want to leave me without giving me a proper reason. As much as you were hurt at that time I feel the same right now. Although unintentional but you are doing the same thing. I don’t deserve it. I never let go of you when you needed me the most. Made every attempt to keep you happy, keep you safe, keep you smiling and never left you lonely. 

In the end I just want you to know people have come people have gone , people will come and go, I will be there with you always but only if you let me. I know you are suffering too, Why do you want to suffer?

The same feeling again…

After talking to you last night I realized its the same feeling again, only that this time its with you.

You said that you felt relieved and calm after you told me you didn’t want to be with me. I can understand your state of mind. I felt that too once. This isn’t the first time we are not together. Once even I felt relieved. It was in college. When whatever we did we could never be successful to keep each other or rather me at peace with our surroundings.

There were many times that even I felt that we shouldn’t be together, thought that maybe its just not meant to be. We could be a recipe for a huge disaster, but somehow somewhere there was always a hope. Probably that is the reason why I never told you that I felt better when we were not together. Always a thought that no matter what something can be saved and we always did. No matter what be reason or the situation. Somehow thinking of it now I remember I was always the one who would initiate some conversation when we were not talking be it an e-mail, or hate message, an angry message, a sad message, a happy one or an apologetic one. Things always came together because you responded. You wanted things to be right again too. This time also it was me who initiated any conversation, but now it was different. You didn’t seem to be in any mood to reconcile. 

Many times in the past I felt that I was the one who would be pulling you behind. I am the one who is going to ruin all your happiness and thought of calling it off with you. I remember  after you got your ITC job, I felt it very strongly that I should not be with you anymore as I would be dead-weight on our relationship. Even when we left college for our homes after graduating I felt the same thing but after that day when you were lonely and crying as you had no one to talk to during your induction days I just couldn’t. I felt like it was me who supposed to be there for you no matter what. Not as a liability but as my responsibility and simply because I want to. I want to be there for you every moment. Solve any problem that you have. So you can just relax and be happy and make me happy. Selfish ulterior motives!!! 

I know I am not the best person. I have my own shortcomings. I may be insecure, jealous, possessive, overbearing but all this is out of love for you. All that is out of experiences in the past. I can not trust anyone when it comes to you. I just can’t. I am paranoid and I know it. I can’t help it. I try to overcome all this but I am unable to do so. I once even asked for your help and you didn’t. I still didn’t let go of you. There was always this hope that somehow things will be fine. All is gonna get mended. Its just a matter of time.

Now as it turns out it is a matter of time itself. All I need is time, precious time from you so that I become a capable man to be able to take good care of you. To be able to support you. A man who has grown above those petty issues we fight over. So that I can take care of you better. Keep you happy and be able to add to your happiness. You know my situation but you still keep asking the same questions and I always answer them. Things are not great with me. Any plan I make I tell you first. You are always the first one to know. I don’t know what more I can do to comfort you.

Your family keeps poking you to know how are things between us. I give it to them for being concerned but then why do they keep asking if you are sure about me. Its like a game show with you. You lock an answer that you think is correct and the show host keeps pushing you to change your answer by asking “Are you sure, Are you sure.” Obviously you will flip out and re-think over something you thought to be sure of. Remember? Too much analysis leads to paralysis. I have done everything in my reach to assure you that I am worth it. Even I want to be with you as soon as possible, but have to be practical in thinking it out. If I had my way I would have married you right out of college and stayed with you from then on. However, I have my own boundations and you know about them. 

You say you want to stay single. All I asked you was to wait for me. Its basically the same thing. You yourself don’t know what the problem is. You always run away from them. All I wish is that this time you figure out what is actually on your mind. What is the real question out here, is it – Am I happy with him? or Should I wait for him? or Is this relationship worth anymore tries? 

I know things are very different now. Since you came back from home I could sense it. That’s why I asked what was wrong. I know you have lost hope on me, which is why you felt better. I had once too felt the same but still never let go. I never told you that I felt better when I wasn’t with you.I still want to make things better, still want to mend it, can’t promise that it will all go away but I promise I will try.

This time I will not initiate. Not because I don’t want to but because I do realize that once again I am the one killing your happiness. Mixed feeling once again maybe that’s why a part of me is relieve too. I don’t know what am I feeling right now, I wasn’t being diplomatic. Its a circus in my head. There is also some sort or ego or maybe its the self confidence that this  time too things will mend once again just like every other time. It might take a little longer but it will all be good once again. The distance will create longing that we won’t be able to resist. I don’t know what will actually happen…

 

Don’t Trust Girls!

I have been staying in Delhi since a month now and almost everyday I end travelling by metro. This means I come across various kinds of people everyday with every stop that I pass towards my station.
Lot of them are youngsters – the college going kinds with inked body parts.

For me whenever I see a person inked I get intrigued as for me a tattoo has to have a meaning, there’s gotta be a story. However a lot tattoos are on Dumb people which means it might be a tribal or something of that sort which is in vogue with the hipster union these days. I’ve even seen some people with their names tattooed on their forearms. Its like they suffer from some short term amnesia.

Today in particular I spotted this “Dude” wearing a blue denim extra skinny jeans I guess they are ‘Spandex Denims’ of some sort, a blue T-shirt, matching glares, snazzy hair-do, an expensive cellular( I guess it was a Samsung Note), Moccasins with socks on (yes he did that!). Obviously he was inked that is why I noticed details about him.

Now coming to the tattoos – multiple tattoos of which I could understand two – a tribal on the right arm which was partially visible from under the T-shirt sleeve. Second one being something written right under his ear on the neck.

The tattoo said “Don’t Trust Girls” – Oh My GOD!!! No more faith in humanity!! Someone annihilate my generation please.
Anyways this got me thinking what could be the story behind it? Was she really such a bitch? or is it from an experience of a really close friend who he saw suffer real bad. What could it be that he inked it on himself for his lifetime. To show is to the world. To let the world know.

Judging from his looks – Yes I am being a Judgmental moron, I doubt there is story. It was probably something he found to be “KOOL” with a K and not C. He probably never thought it through that this is going to be a life long affair. An affair that will remind him about the affair that wasn’t so nice i.e. if there was an affair. Rather I think it wasn’t she who was the bitch but it was him who was the Douche bag. There is a good chance that she was never happy with him ’cause he was a self indulging narcissist. Whatever the real story might be that guy just made my day today. I’m glad to have spotted him, maybe next time I will click a picture.

P.S. – The details about the guy’s looks are a result of me trying figure the story behind and I am not turning over to the other side of the world…

Coming back to life…

The Pink Floyd song just makes total sense to me. All of them do. This one in particular is just the one for the one and only.

Relationships are crazy. We are possessive about the person, but we also want to give them space. We fight but we resolve our issues. People hate us but we don’t care. We want to be there for each other but also do what we love to do… and the list is simply endless.

There is always a battle with the inner self. Lot of pain on both the sides. Trust issues. The cons of being in a relationship are simply over bearing and over whelming. Couple that with a situation where your professional life is in a dip as well and you have a perfect recipe for relationship to end.

That’s what is my case. I am jobless, struggling to make a living, still trying make a place for myself in this world, facing failure and also handling my girlfriend who is unable to understand my situation. The recurring topic of discussion that comes up is how much time do I wait to settle down with you. I say 3 years at least, she agrees – I sigh and gear to get started with those 3 years with an aim – love of my life. But wait just as I take my stands for the 3 year long race I am shot with same question again. I reply the same thing hoping she might remember. However this time someone else has stimulated her thought. So I try and pacify her again. I succeed.

The story repeats again and again. As a partner I would expect support from her and her ability to answer the questions that both of us have discussed in case anyone(her family) raises them. We are a team right?! We are in it together! Hell NO! whenever she is questioned, she questions me about the things she knows answers to. We are not a team when the game is on. We are only a team just for the pictures and press release.Partners don’t leave their counter-parts in tough times. They don’t bail out at the sight of some problems approaching.

I was always there for you in your tough time while you left me alone saying it was my problem. I stood up for you stood besides you at every step and every moment while just ran away from the problems trying not be the bad one so that no one hates you. You were there with me till now because I never let go off you and not because you wanted to stay too.

Today I am a mess, I may have hurt you but I am hurt too.  You never bother about anything outside your life. Living in a nutshell you don’t want to face the reality. You don’t want to solve any issues between us. You say let it go with time but I can’t because it never goes away. Even I want to be happy with you but don’t make an effort. Your ego comes in the way of any attempts I make. Then you say you love me.

You want to be with me. I ask you can you wait. You say “YES”, but you are not sure about me being the one for you. I am broken, I am hurt fighting for you, fighting with you, trying to be the man and facing only failure. You say you are not happy with me and leave me. I saw it coming because I know you better than you know me. I know even this could be temporary but I have lost faith. There’s no hope for us because you don’t want to be there in my lows. As long as the grass is green you are by my side and at the sight of approaching autumn you leave me stranded with words -“Please don’t hate me”
I don’t hate you, I pity you maybe for the person you have become – a terrible one.

Remember I may be a mess now, I am not perfect. I may be vulnerable right now but my time will come and when my time comes please don’t bother ’cause you left me when I was broken and so please don’t be with me when I am a success.

-Adios

No Place for Engineers

After four crazy years in a premier institute of the nation which is the top whatever nationwide rankings – a job in a company that doesn’t really want or need engineers- the shitty job itself – and finally 7 months in the shitty job +2 months of joblessness later here I write my ‘Renditions of a rather frustrated mind’. 

The job scene in India is just plain hopeless. Its a rat race! You cannot afford to have a vision or different thought process. Graduate as an engineer and then do MBA to become a manager. Core engineering is something is what you call a myth in India. It might be present in the rarest forms. R&D for very Indian companies is done overseas with support offices in India. Mind you the offices in India are merely support offices to well support the actual real engineering done by the main offices located anywhere but the Indian sub-continent. 

We Indians live under the misconception that Indians are good at mathematics. WRONG!!

We are only good at arithmetic! and that is my argument to why there are more Indian software engineers than the total population of some countries. Plus you can also give credit to the attitude of following trends.

I am an automotive enthusiast, who took mechanical engineering to be an automotive engineer. I was that simple. However, looking at the present scenario being focused and knowing what you want to do is a way of being unsuccessful and without a job.

There are people who never even knew what they wanted to do in life until they got a job that paid them well. There’s people like me who knew from day one what they wanted to do why they wanted to do it. India needs some serious career counselling as I am seeing people without a job taking up Masters courses and moving further to becoming teachers. Hence degrading the quality of teachers and becoming a disgrace to the noble profession as well as nuisance to society. This is detrimental as such teachers will destroy, annihilate, perish the new coming generations.

This is probably the reason why most of the students go abroad for their post graduate courses. After getting a taste of the Indian bred teachers it is quite obvious.

Brain drain bitches…. Brain drain…. 

Met the Parent! and I graduated :)

Its been really long since I wrote, partly because I had moved to India for my job and got trolled on the day of my landing down in Pune, that my joining date had been further postponed by a month and half. Mindfucked, and partly because I was too lazy to write up anything.

Anyway I had my convocation planned which I was obviously going to attend(despite being  reluctant) in order college my baccalaureate certificate \\m//. Most importantly to be able to meet my girlfriend and also sell my beloved and dearly bike. The day before my convocation date I arrived in my college and there she was waiting for me. It was a reunion of two people having faced a lot of distance in past, present and future. Overwhelming but soothing it was, more importantly reassuring that this person was the same person I had see’d off on the last train home exactly five months ago.

BIG News was her mom had come along too, to see her youngest daughter graduate into an Engineer one of the only few girls from her home town. I was introduced as another classmate, we all had lunch together. I tried to make conversation with her mother which didn’t go too well as she did not really seem interested. I went blah. Same day evening we all graduated got our certificates and then my lady goes all sad that this is it and we part our ways again to be far away from each other. This was the point when voices in the back of my head were going “She is gonna tell her mom about us” but all I was saying was “its OK, at least we will be in touch, Don’t worry, it will all be fine”.

Later that night when I was on my way back to the guest house I got call from her saying that she told her mom about us and I went “You told your mom?!” and my friend involuntarily patted my back and said “good luck, don’t worry about me you go and handle the situation.” I salute to you buddy.

I reached the guest and we decided to go for dinner. During all this her mom interacted pretty well with me. I felt like a boss (specially after a fail attempt in the same days morning). With all the answers ready for her questions. I impressed her or that’s what I thought I did. Close enough.

What mattered was she saw through both of us and figured out that how much we care for each other. How much I care for her daughter. No way I’m going to let go of her. She can be carefree from now on. Her daughter has found that ‘SOMEONE’ everybody needs.

2-3 days later after they left from college and after her mom reached her home, I got an unexpected call. I went really nervous. But then she spoke to me trying to know how serious I was, how deep I was with her daughter. All I could do was try to assure her that I am genuine and will not back down no matter what. It is not just a fling.

All in all I guess it was good that I made it to the convocation, met up with the guys and more importantly graduated in many different aspects. Now its my turn to tell my folks about my relationship.

The NEWS…

Here’s me wasting my life at my parents house far far away from where I am supposed to be. Earning, making money, doing all those shitty things that responsible people are supposed to do. Patience is a trait that I have lost over the couple of years over a lot of shitty things in life.However, having satisfactorily dealt with my job situation now that my working days seem to be just around the corner while waiting for my company to send me things in black and white; My girlfriend breaks me this “Great” news. Her Mom has started to look for a match for her.

At first obviously I laugh in an attempt to keep things light-hearted, but as the conversation proceeds we figure out the issues that could come if we tell our parents about us. Hell I don’t want to tell my parents because its not cool for me to dream about a family life when I haven’t even started working or even tried a hand at being independent. There’s lots at stake here – mine and her career for starters, and then there is that almost 2year long relationship that I cherish everyday moment and for all the nonsense that we as a couple have dealt with – SHIT LOADS OF SHITTY PEOPLE.

Not many issues on the society or religious point of view but then she is 2years elder to me – workable I suppose. God knows I’m attracted to older women. Her marriage age is ticking! Apparently she assumes that her mom will have an issue with me being younger. Hell my parents will have issue with me being too young to marry for which even I have the same objection. For us its going to be the timing but for her its the time. I need to plan out my career path, how do I go about anything be it post grads or a business venture or even a job. But hey I will have to now take everyone’s opinion on this and make decisions that would never because the girl whom I love so much, well her mom has decided that she is going to get her married despite 2year no marriage truce between them. This is the point where I would embrace the western society.

Things only get worst as the night proceeds. As I was only thinking of ways to alter my career plans and look for a win win situation, she dropped the bomb by telling me to go find a younger girl who is than me for myself. This is when I got mindfucked. How can she even say that? Why would she even say that? She never even thought of at least giving it one shot. Really, why does she always want the easy way out? Here I am going crazy about her and a distant speculation makes her want to break it off. Age is not even going be an issue at my end of things. All the issues are at her end. Her territory. I can’t help her even if I wanted to. Now how on Earth can I bank on her with that if she bails out on me so easily.

I don’t doubt one bit on her, but then how can I trust her with this kind of attitude. All I had expected from her was to be more sincere and face a situation like this when it happens. This was more like a fire-drill, but when there is an actual fire all I can pray for is she does  not run away but rather stays by me and helps me cool down things and save most of it while we can.

I miss YOU…

I miss you, I miss you so much that I can’t even remember not thinking of you for even an instance, I know we are away, we had our differences, I understand where you are for I know your reasons and I respect them. But as your man I do fear to lose you, I fear you would lose your innocence that I love the most. You are a responsible girl but you can’t take away my right to worry about you. We knew we would be stepping into this and it won’t be pretty. But was it supposed to be so bad? I miss you so much and I love you so much that I can’t even tell you! ‘coz I know you are lonely and I don’t want to make it worse for you. I want to say it but I can’t…So take Good Care of yourself and be a good girl.